Small Victories - Anne Lamott

I love Wendell Berry's lines that " it may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The that is not baffled is not employed."The impeded stream is the one that sings."

But they are willing to redefine themselves, and life and okayness. Redefinition is a nightmare- we think we've arrived,.... Then something happens that totally sucks, and we are in a new box, and t is like changing into clothes that don't fit, that we hate. Yet the essence remains.Essence is malleable, fluid. Everything we lose is Buddhist truth - one more thing that you don't have to grab with your death grip, and protect from theft or decay. It's gone. We can mourn it, but we don't have to get down in the grave with it.

... I finally realized that I had been raised not to say "You're welcome" .....girls were taught to minimize how much they had given, how much time and hard work something had taken.....If generosity is nothing, then what is anything? Now I make myself accept gratitude, .. say gently "You're really welcome.:

On grief....the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it.

Don't get me wrong, grief sucks, it really does. Unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit. Mostly I have tried to avoid it by staying very busy, working too hard, achieving as much as possible. You can often avoid the pain by trying to fix other people; shopping helps in a pinch, as does romantic obsession.

He said "I am not competetive"

Recently I had a very interesting conversation with a coworker whom I admire. He kept repeating that he was not at his best when engaged in competition, it was not his thing.

It reminded me of the Voice Dialogue technique, when one looks at those disowned selves. Those personalities inside ourselves that we can not connect with, that are so buried. These are the personalities that often "annoy" us or that we overvalue.

For me is loud-"I-am-so-special" kind of people. And "entitled" people. So whenever those personalities arise around me, and they do, I am learning to smile and ask myself: where is the part of me that would do that? It is so profoundly interesting that we are how we are because of where and when we were born, because of the "bathing" water. 

What is normal anyway?

"My" theory of everything

My theory of how everything goes : 30% as planned, 30% as not-planned, 30% off the charts & crazy, 10% there is an earthquake and you have bigger problems. For the 2nd, there are contingency plans but my life continuously falls into the 2nd 30% = crazy..... Life is never dull.

What Oprah knows for sure...

From her book -

"I take my pleasures seriously. I work hard and play well; I believe in the yin and yang of life. "

"Being aware of, and creating, four-and five-star experiences makes you blessed. For me , just waking up "clothed in my right mind" being able to put my feet the floor, walk to the bathroom and do what needs to be done - there is five stars."

"He who dies with the most toys is still dead."

"Barn's burnt down / Now I can see the moon" - Mizuta Masahide

"Every challenge we take on has the power to knock us to our kness."

"What would I do if I weren't afraid of making a mistake, felling rejected, looking foolish or being alone?"

"Because I know this for sure. Who you're meant to be evolves from where you are right now. So learning to appreciate your lessons, mistakes and setbacks as stepping-stones to the future is a clear sign you are moving in the right direction"

"What do you do when you've done all you can, and it seems like it's never enough? What do you give when you've given your all, and it seems like you can't make it through?" "You just stand."

"What I know for sure is that there is no strength without challenge, resistance and often pain."

"The problems that make you throw up your hands and holler "Mercy" will build your tenacity, courage , discipline and determination." (My comment is sometimes I just get to the mercy part...)

"I've learned to rely on the strength I inherited from all those who came before me - the grandmothers, sisters, aunts, and broters who were tested with unimaginable hardships and still survived. I go forth alone, andstand as ten thousand " Maya Angelou - Our Grandmothers

What were the moments along the way that wounded or scared you? Chances are , you've had a few. But here is what is remarkable: You are still here, still standing.

"There wasn't anything special about her. But she listened, was interested and made me feel special."  A person who had been married 18 years and thought he had a strong moral code.

"I thought I could makepeople approve of me by becoming an achiever. "

"I've seen so many women (myself included) dazed by the idea of romance, believing they're not complete unless they find someone to make their lives whole. When you a think about it, isn't that a crazy notion? You, alone, make a a whole person.And if you feel incomplete, you alone must fill all your empty, shattered spaces with love. "

"And when patience wore thin, I bought earplugs."

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is 'Thank you' it will be enough" Meister eckhart

"Being grateful all the time isn't easy. But it's when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you: perspective. Gratitude can transform any situation. " In all honestly, this is an aspiration more than anything else, in the face of real hard problems the first words that come to mind are not thank you - yet.

"Dr. Phil often says you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Before I could challenge my fear and begin changing what I believed about myself, I had to admit that, yes, I had always been afraid - and that my fear was a form of slavery. "

"If life teaches you nothing else, know this: When you get the chance, go for it."

"Until one day I got it. While I ws waiting on God, God was waiting on me."

"The truth is that as much as you plan and ream and move forward in your life, you must remember you are always acting in conjunction with the flow and energy of the universe."

"The older I get, the less tolerance I have for pettiness and superficial pursuits. "

"When you choose to see the world as a classroom, you understand that all experiences are here to teach you something about yourself. And that your life's journey is about becoming more of who you are. Another miracle: We all get to shared in the journey. "

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." - Gary Zukav

"Never again will I do do anything for anyone that I do not feel directly from my heart. I will not attend a meeting .... make a phone call....sponsor or participate in any activity in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes. I will act with the intent to be true to myself."

"In buying what we want, we hope to acquire the life we desire... but chasing the life you want by accumulating more stuff is a dead-end street."

"I'd wake up in the morning and decide for myself what to do with the day" as if thinking: imagine, me decide.

"What you do today, creates every tomorrow."

"I've been an overachiever since I was 3. For years I felt the need to show that I belonged here- the need to prove my worth. I worked hard. ...... Whatever your challenge, overeating, indulging in any substance or activity, the losss of a relationship, money, position - let it be an open door to yur holiest revelations about yourself, an invitation to your best life."

To sell is human - Needed qualities (Chapter 2)

Summarized from Daniel H. Pink To Sell is Human

A favorite chapter of mine: How to be / Qualities to move others : Attunement / Buoyancy / Clarity – or a keen mind, a deft touch, and a sense of possibility.

I.  Attunement
“how to deal with a complex situation involving other people”

-step outside our own experience and imagine the emotions, perceptions and motivations = OTHER'S PERSPECTIVE TAKING

1.Increase your power by reducing it. Power leads individuals to anchor too heavily on their own vantage point, insufficiently adjusting to other's perspective. Take Away: assume you are not the one with power. Persuasion jujitsu= use an apparent weakness as an actual strength.

2. Use your head and your heart

-Focus on what the other side is thinking not only feeling

-get inside their heads

-who is who ? → use techniques like social carthography to identify relationships, key players, decision makers.

3. Mimic Strategically

“Monkey see, monkey do” chameleon effect.

-consistent but subtle mimicking

-mimicry's first cousin is touch

-form of flattery = “physical dance of charm itself”


II. Buoyancy - “Dealing with an ocean of rejection”

Before (“sales-event”): use interrogative self talk
-Positive self talk is better than negative self talk but not always effective
-use questions to elicit answers, to summon resources and strategies: “How will I tackle behavioral questions?” “How to fix this?” “How to move thoe people? WRITE 5 ansers.
-identify autonomous/ intrinsically motivated reasons to pure a goal. e.g. ' pursuing one's self potential'. Internal drive is stronger than extrinsic pressures. 
 
During (“sales-event”): Positivity ratios
-Have a “friendly tone, smile often, nod in agreement , be cordial and inviting”
-Positivity broadens people's ideas about actions, awareness of thoughts and expand behavioral repertoires. It is contagious.
-Believe and show the product you are selling . Genuine conviction can also produce emotional contagion.
-Positive emotions need to outnumber negative emotions by 3 to 1 for people to fluorish. Consciously track positive emotions like joy, gratitude, serenity, hope , pride, amusement, inspiration,love....
-However the other extreme.. too positive … 11 positive emotions to -1 negative..leads to self delusion and SUFFOCATES self-improvement.
-use the negative emotions to learn, use it as feedback. No feedback is also feedback.
-Combine wisely levity and gravity. 
 

After (“sales-event”): Explanatory style

how one explains its worst aspects: as permanent , pervasive and personal OR see rejections as temporary, specific and external : FLEXIBLE OPTIMISM
-dispute and de-catastrophize negative explanations


Techniques:
1. Enumerate all “no”s you receive but remind yourself , “YOU ARE STILL STANDING AND AROUND”

2. Embrace rejection
accept what has already happened and reframe. Proof that you keep going.
Go negative every one in a while.
-Negativity prevents unproductive behaviors from cementing into habits
-They deliver useful information on our efforts
-Life gives us plenty of reasons to be sad, afriad ...without negativity you lose touch with reality. You are not genuine.

III. Clarity

The capacity to help others see their situations in fresh and more revealing ways and to identify problems they didn't realize they had.


-”The quality of the problem that is found is a forerunner of the quality of the solution that is attained...”
-”problem finding and problem solving” go hand to hand “ → part of being an innovative leader is being able to frame a problem in interesting way and .. to see what the problem really is before you jump in to solve it. 
 -In the past salespeople were adept at accessing information. Today, they must be skilled at curating it.- sorting through the massive troves of data and presenting to others the most relevant and clarifying pieces.
-2nd- the best salespeople were skilled at answering questions, today they must be good at asking questions : uncovering possibilities, surfacing latent issues, and finding unexpected problems. 
 
Tools: “Compared to what? / who? “ Clarity depends on contrast. e.g. imagine a blind person with a sign “It is springtime” and then “it is springtime and I am blind”. We often understand something better when we see it in comparison with something else than we see it in isolation.


5 types of frames:
-”The less frames” : the world is saturated with options and alternatives. Framing people's options in a way that restricts their choices can help them see those choices more clearly instead of overwhelming them.
-The experience frame : people derive much greater satisfaction from purchasing experiences than they do from purchasing goods. We adapt quickly to material changes. Experiences also give us something to talk about and stories to tell, which can help us connect with others and deepen our own identities, both of which boost satisfaction. Even if you are selling a car, point out what the car will allow the buyer to do.
-the label frame: merely assigning the positive label elevates their behavior.
3-the blemished frame:in many cases the people who got the small dose of negative information were more likely to purchase the goods than those who'd received the exclusively positive information – under 2 conditions: “low effort” either busy or distracted. 2^Nd – negative information ust follow the positive information, not the reverse. Again, the comparison creates clarity. “Weak negative information after already having received positive information, the weak negative information ironically highlights or increases the salience of the positive information”. Being honest about the existence of a small blemish can enhance you offering's true beauty.
The potential frame (to sell ourselves): Emphasize our potential. “The potential to be good at something can be preferred over actually being good at that very same thing”
Finding an off-ramp.On a food donation request: “What moved them wast only the request itself, bu that the requesters had provided them an off-ramp for getting to their destination. “ Lesson: Clarity on how to think without clarity on how to act can leave people unmoved.


How: Pantalon technique: rational questions are ineffective for motivating resistant people. Instead I've found tat irrational questions actually motivate people better.
Question 1: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 meaning the least bit ready and 10 meaning 'totally ready' how ready you to study? Question 2: “Why didnt you pick a lower number?” Asking why the number isn't lower is the catalyst. Then have the person enunciate the reasons, begins to articulate why she wants to behave differently. Then help clarify the personal positive and intrinsic motives for studying or whatever action we are influencing.
Jolt:
Sommers says “ it take the jolt of the unfamiliar to remind you just how blind you are to your regular surroundings.”
Try a jolt of the unfamiliar : mini-jolt “change seats on a conference table , travel using a different route, order something different”. Half jolt: spend a day immersed in an envronment not typically your own. Full jolt: travel to another country, with a culture different from your own.
You are likely to return jolted – and clarified.
Become a curator:
In the old days accesing information was the challenge. These days the challenge is curating it. 1) Seek : define area you want to cureate and put together a list of the best sources of information. At least 2 x15 minutes two times per day.2) Sense. Creating meaning out of the material you've assembled. e.g. updating your own blog. 3) Share: As you share, you'll help others see their own situations in a new light and possible reveal hidden problems that you can solve.
Learn how to ask better questions: (right question institute)
1. Produce your questions
2. Improve your questions
3. Classify into open ended / closed. Think about advantages / disadvantages of each variety. Swith a few from open-ended to close-ended.
4. Prioritize your questions. Choose 3 top questions.
Ask the five -whys:
Undercover reasons behind behaviors.

The Universe knows best....

Some  say the universe knows best.

I'd say the universe knows more and phenomena arranges itself accordingly.

Or “The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.”
― Carl Sagan